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DaexZain
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Name: Zain
Location: (There's a Maryland, Swaziland
Birthday: 7/12/1986
Gender: Male
Interests: Music, french, making people's lives miserable, Opera, etc.
Expertise: Oh...see above...
Occupation: Student
Industry: Banking/Finance
Message: message meEmail: email me
AIM:  DaexZain
AIM:  Smartguy410
Member Since:
5/11/2003
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| It is in the best interest of those who, like me, find themselves remanded to a country estate, to take note of the fact that, as is so often the case in less urban areas, the natural fauna are not so tame as to understand that their place is without your personal residence.
Upon having returned home from visiting some friends, I went out of doors to take in a breath of fresh air. As I opened the front door, I felt the fluttering of wings as a bird, lodged within a wreath on the front door fluttered past me. In the darkness I knew not whether or not it had entered the house, but to be safe I did a quick survey and found no hint of any other living thing indoors. I proceeded outside, had my air, and returned upstairs to watch some television and otherwise relax after what had been a long day, with a rather harrowing trip through DC to and from Reagan Airport. Around two AM, between the first and second parts of a History Channel special on the Gestapo, I went downstairs for a midnight snack of some doughnut holes and soda water and found the cat acting somewhat erratic. Seconds later the fluttering of wings and frenzied scurrying of four paws, heavy with the weight of the rather obese animal they were transporting, confirmed to me that my initial survey of the bird-situation was much more cursory than it should have been.
I rushed to open the door to the deck, hoping that the confused fowl would somehow find its way out, and proceeded then to scare it in that direction, to no avail. Instead, the bird found its way into upper stratum of the two-story foyer. The bewildered cat bulleted up the stairs and perched himself at the overlook. The bird, in the mean time, perched himself atop the chandelier hanging in the center of the foyer. Since my cat seemed bent on hurling himself at the bird (and consequently off of the top of the landing), I found it was in his best interest to confine him to my room. I quickly shut the doors to all of the other bedrooms, and the basement, then opened the front door. It was just as well, for a cat his size would have quickly learned that the force of gravity would out-pull any of the aerodynamic forces he might have hoped to achieve through a forceful leap off of the landing, and that his lack of claws would have prevented him from holding onto the chandelier had his initial aim somehow been effected. Back in the kitchen, I donned a bathrobe and seized a broom, a flashlight, a Tupperware bowl, and its lid. Armed with these instruments, I set about to quickly master the trade of Papageno, though without any sort of delightful, Mozartarian aria as a theme song.
I mounted the stairs and engaged in a twenty-four minute long standoff that included me traversing the hallway, as well as ascending and descending the stairs countless times. Shouting obscenities and brandishing the broom, I succeeded in getting the little cretin to shit in less than five minutes. With that out of his system, I was ready to finish the job of extrapolating him from my house. Nineteen more minutes of running, screaming, and throwing finally saw me victoriously carrying the captured POW down the stairs and out the door in his Tupperware transport vehicle, triumphant military marches playing out in my head. His involuntary passage through my front door was, in effect, his reprieve, and the condemned soon found himself fluttering to freedom, and worms.
Hot, sweaty, mentally fatigued, physically exhausted, and gloriously triumphant, I seized my doughnut holes and soda water, and returned to my History Channel special, eager to enjoy the hard earned fruits of my campaign to the cheers of Heil Deutschland!
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| So much for sleeping in. I got a call at 10 this morning. I answered it and it was for someone named Elsie. Before I could take a single step in the direction of informing this man that I was not Elsie, he starts going off on me in this slow, pleading voice:
"Elsie, where are you?? You told me you was just gonna run home, run back and get the money. Where'jyou go??..."
This is the SECOND call I've gotten for someone named Elsie. The first one was at the end of last year. Some guy with a deep, raspy voice left me a voicemail letting Elsie know "about the money." and that when she could "pick it up when she came to [his] house on" some street I couldn't make out.
And this is why I am not a fan of drug dealers and pimps (one of which this Elsie clearly is involved with). It isn't because they're often dangerous people. It isn't because they corrupt the morals of the youth of a America. And, believe it or not, it's not because they have lost all concept of how to properly exploit the English language in their communications. But rather, because when its the last fucking day of my goddamned spring break, I do NOT wish to be awake during ANY mother fucking hour when the time on my clock is prefixed with a goddamned "AM." That end no longer achievable, I want to wish all of you luck, as you now get to deal with an early-risen me for the rest of the day. Enjoy. Thank Elsie, if you like. Bitch betta bring me mah cut o' dat money, now. O' I gonna keel heh. I gonna fuck heh UP ol' schoo' know what I sayin'?
No, of course you don't. Because I wasn't even speaking a real language. If you need a translator, go find "lil jimmy" from 2 posts ago. | | |
| Making salsa is a fun and worthwhile activity. Often, this activity
involves the use of the seeds of chili peppers aimed at making the
salsa just a bit more piquant. When making salsa it is imperative that
you do not touch ANY part of your face, especially when using the
special peppers your mom keeps in the cupboard for secret sauces and
killing animals. (She also liked to use them when, as children, we'd
let a curse word escape from our mouths, and she felt the need to
correct this behaviour in a manner that would be terrifically
effective, yet not leave any bruises for Social Services to worry
about.) Needless to say, I did not follow this rule, and, after having
finished making the salsa, sat down and buried my face in my hands,
exhausted from a long day of tests and work. I don't think I had my
face in my hands for more than ten seconds before a peculiar sensation
arose from that region; a slight tingling that quickly progressed into
a searing, burning, agonizing pain. I'm pretty sure I felt my face melt
off of my skull. But it gets better...
So my genius ass decides, "Ok, the spiciness is caused by the acidity
of the seeds, right? So put your chem skills to use and neutralize the
acid with a base!" Pleased by the fact that three semesters of general
chemistry were finally coming to fruition, I hurriedly mixed a little
solution of water and baking soda, and layred the paste on my burning
face.
For those of you who have never taken chemistry, acid/base
neutralization reactions are often incredibly intense. The skin on your
face is often very sensitive. The former should never be performed upon
the latter. I only wish that I could tell you that I did not discover
this through personal experience. Alas...
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| A Lesson in English Dialects
I hope the following assertion does not come as a shock to anyone (and
verily I think it shouldn’t), but the fact of the matter is that
English is no longer what it used to be. In fact, much of what is
spoken in modern America is an incredible departure from the original
form. This fact was so poignantly driven home to me a few days ago
when, in searching for a quote from a television show, I ran across the
following:
"yo yo yo wassup wassup dis ya boy lil jimmy in da hizzy ya know my second week
of scool man yo i jus got home from a dance yo dat mug waz off da chain son ..."
These are usually the sorts of tongues that get an exorcist called in. This is from the Xanaga site
of a 14-year-old male living in Sacramento. Yes, he is black, though I
know an equal number of persons of the whiter persuasions who speak in
this dialect as well. It’s truly a unique form of speech. (By the by,
the "anonymous" posts on the "holla at cha boi" column are me and
Winnie.) Regardless, I feel that, as with any dialect, one can trace
the etymology of the words back to their original (and consequently
more comprehensible) form. Upon first examination it’s evident that
Standard English punctuation has been replaced by a less recognizable,
though more universal word. If we were to punctuate before each “yo” or
“ya” in the above phrase, we’d derive four semi-logical sentences:
“Yo yo yo wassup wassup dis ya boy
lil jimmy in da hizzy. Ya know my second week of scool man. I jus got
home from a dance. Dat mug was off da chain son…”
A common attribute of dialects is the introduction of words into the
lexicon that serve as synonyms for more hackneyed expressions. “Yo”,
which previously served as an indicator of sentence segregation can
also be taken, in another form, to be a form of greeting, to wit
“hello”. Wassup derives itself from a corruption of the English “what
is up”, that too a corruption of a more the more acceptable expression,
“How are you?” How we get from the expression “how are you” to an
equivalent that shares absolutely no words in common with its
predecessor is beyond me, and yet it happened so we must accept it.
Moving on we notice several other key features of the Rap Language, if
I may so term it.
I haven’t quite decided if this is attributable to sheer laziness or
poor spelling ability but somewhere between 1990 and 2005, words like
school and little followed the example set by Mary Kate Olsen and
dropped letters like extra poundage. Addionally, words like “the” and
“you” all have awkward derivations more phonetic than not. Giving these
bulimic words back what they regurgitated, and then adding in the
expressions from above we obtain:
“Hello, how are you? This [is] your
boy little Jimmy in the hizzy. You know my second week of school, man.
I just got home from a dance. That mug was off the chain son…”
“Hizzy.” What the hell?? The words “house” and “hizzy” share ONE letter
in common. H. After that you don’t even have a goddamned word! “Hizzy.”
It’s the sound an asthmatic cat makes and has no business in the
lexicon whatsoever. And they put “-izzy” on the back of everything!
Jesus Christ, it’s like pig-latin without self-respect. The hell with
the etymology, that pissed me off so much I think its safe just to
replace it all together. I’m not even going to bother with that chained
mug crap, because I have no clue what it means. GodDAMNit that pissed
me off…
“Hello, how are you? This [is] your
boy little Jimmy at home. You know my second week of school, man. I
just got home from a dance. That mug was off the chain son…”
I’m sorry. I’m much better now, I promise. Anyhow, I think most
professors would accept the above as an acceptable English translation
of the original, however I, beleving that nothing is complete until it
is carried to its logical extreme, submit the following for your
approval as the proper, final translation:
"Why, good evening, and how are you?
Young James, here, at home. As you may have previously been informed,
this is my second week of scholastic endeavours, and, in a somewhat
egregious disregard for my academic well being, I've returned this very
evening from a social event. That mug was quite off of the chain, my
dear boy."
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| DaexZain (10:14:17 PM): Ich bin bleistiftspitzer!!
Btrfly642 (10:14:25 PM): lkdhpe
DaexZain (10:14:29 PM): you win
Btrfly642 (10:14:33 PM): =D
DaexZain (10:15:21 PM): how goes it?
Btrfly642 (10:15:52 PM): pretty well
Btrfly642 (10:15:54 PM): boredd
DaexZain (10:16:02 PM): yay welcome to the club
Btrfly642 (10:16:06 PM): 
Btrfly642 (10:16:10 PM): do i get a free shirt?
DaexZain (10:17:04 PM): yes provided you sing the swahili national anthem backwards on thursday, the Mbassa day
Btrfly642 (10:17:20 PM): godammit
Btrfly642 (10:17:21 PM): fine
Btrfly642 (10:17:33 PM): but only if you provide me with the sheep i have to sacrifice at the end of the song
DaexZain (10:20:18 PM): all 12??
DaexZain (10:20:30 PM): do you know howmany keipos 12 sheep costs??
Btrfly642 (10:20:34 PM): ill bring the last one if you bring the first 11 =)
DaexZain (10:20:58 PM): i can bring you 5 sheep, and 3 cows
DaexZain (10:21:16 PM): thats the going special at wal mart up in Swaziland....buy 5 sheep get 3 cows at half keipos
Btrfly642 (10:22:19 PM): aww! thats AWESOME!
DaexZain (10:22:45 PM): yea but they make you do the infectious insect insepection yourself
DaexZain (10:23:00 PM): you get a do-it-yourself kit but i hear the directions are pretty convoluted
Btrfly642 (10:23:00 PM): yay :)
DaexZain (10:23:04 PM): being in arabic and all
Btrfly642 (10:24:53 PM): its okay im gonna take arabic :)
Btrfly642 (10:24:54 PM): duh
DaexZain (10:25:53 PM): oh yea
DaexZain (10:25:54 PM): i forgot
DaexZain (10:26:02 PM): thats a CORE requirement at the University of Tblisi
DaexZain (10:26:14 PM): you are so multicultural sometimes i lose track
Btrfly642 (10:27:08 PM): duhhh
Btrfly642 (10:27:29 PM): i actually attended Univ. of Tblisi - Pajoki Park
DaexZain (10:28:16 PM): DUDE my mom was part of the frat there
Btrfly642 (10:28:35 PM): wow
DaexZain (10:28:38 PM): Omega Rho Epsilon Omega
Btrfly642 (10:29:07 PM): i love those oreos
DaexZain (10:29:09 PM): it was comprised of both black and white students in a 2:1 Black:White ratio
Btrfly642 (10:29:44 PM): =D
Btrfly642 (10:29:51 PM): ur mom is a lucky woman
DaexZain (10:30:02 PM): Lucky Padewan Learner from Naboo'
DaexZain (10:30:08 PM): you mean
DaexZain (10:30:14 PM): (exchange program, you see)
Btrfly642 (10:30:37 PM): i hate the planet naboo
Btrfly642 (10:30:41 PM): those *($&&@((*@
DaexZain (10:30:55 PM): what'd they do to you?
Btrfly642 (10:31:37 PM): they stole my camel
Btrfly642 (10:31:49 PM): thus depriving me of my transportation
Btrfly642 (10:31:56 PM): to the Tblisi Award Show
Btrfly642 (10:32:04 PM): where i was being honored
Btrfly642 (10:32:14 PM): for having introduced cereal to the tblisians
DaexZain (10:32:16 PM): sorry honey, but quarrantine regulations must be strictly followed
DaexZain (10:32:23 PM): do they like ceral?
DaexZain (10:32:29 PM): cereal*
Btrfly642 (10:32:49 PM): no but they think that its a sign
DaexZain (10:33:21 PM): are you getting their hopes up that buddah is coming soon?
DaexZain (10:33:37 PM): thats not a very nice thing to do
DaexZain (10:33:52 PM): you and I BOTH know buddah stopped endorsing apple jacks ever since that horrible incident with the lepers
Btrfly642 (10:34:10 PM): well its not my fault that lemurs overran the globe at that point
DaexZain (10:34:42 PM): no but you could have been more sensitive when he wanted to cross that river so many times under the pseudonym Siddhartha
Btrfly642 (10:35:39 PM): well maybe if he hadnt tried to bless me with his smelly shoe
DaexZain (10:35:53 PM): hey hey hey
DaexZain (10:36:08 PM): that shoe has been in our family since
DaexZain (10:36:12 PM): well since
DaexZain (10:36:22 PM): I informed the FBI of the watergate breakin
DaexZain (10:36:28 PM): and the post
Btrfly642 (10:37:25 PM): hehe
Btrfly642 (10:37:27 PM): thats cool
Btrfly642 (10:37:40 PM): can u arrange with the gov't to gimme me third foot back?
DaexZain (10:38:16 PM): they gave it to a war of 1812 vet with one leg
Btrfly642 (10:38:51 PM): aww that was nice
Btrfly642 (10:38:54 PM): ..what is his address
DaexZain (10:39:08 PM): classified
DaexZain (10:39:12 PM): hes part of the WPP
DaexZain (10:39:48 PM): apparently he got mixed up with al capone about 120 years after the war
DaexZain (10:39:54 PM): things didnt end so well
Btrfly642 (10:40:23 PM): dammit
Btrfly642 (10:40:29 PM): the veteran you're talking about is me
DaexZain (10:40:40 PM): OMT
DaexZain (10:40:43 PM): G*
DaexZain (10:40:46 PM): YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE!
DaexZain (10:40:48 PM): the system has FAILED
Btrfly642 (10:41:02 PM): yeah my real name is Leroy McIntosh
DaexZain (10:41:25 PM): if thats some sort of pop culture reference, don't expect me to know it
Btrfly642 (10:41:34 PM): i dont think it is?
Btrfly642 (10:41:40 PM): unless i unknowingly made one
Btrfly642 (10:41:47 PM): because when i fell and broke my head
Btrfly642 (10:41:53 PM): they replaced my brain with a large computer chip
Btrfly642 (10:42:05 PM): that is loaded with all sorts of trivia
DaexZain (10:42:17 PM): .....do you mean....
DaexZain (10:42:25 PM): YOU are the original trivial persuit robot??
DaexZain (10:42:29 PM): the one they said nobody could beat
DaexZain (10:42:32 PM): but was beaten
DaexZain (10:42:34 PM): with a stick
Btrfly642 (10:42:39 PM): no thats my cousin ronny
Btrfly642 (10:42:46 PM): hes irish
Btrfly642 (10:42:54 PM): you know what im sayin?
DaexZain (10:42:59 PM): my apologies to him for being irish
Btrfly642 (10:43:55 PM): great scott
DaexZain (10:44:07 PM): oh nO!
Btrfly642 (10:46:22 PM): if only
DaexZain (10:46:48 PM): yeaaaa....what a shame
DaexZain (10:47:52 PM): ......do you think if this ever got out in public, they'd commit us?
Btrfly642 (10:48:27 PM): only if you sold it with bags of peanuts
DaexZain (10:48:39 PM):
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